Breaking news. Oh, and That Was The Week That Blogged #14

I am what's known as a late adopter. I didn't see the point of - among other things - digital cameras, MP3 players, mobile phones, public transport and the microwave oven. My father is just the same. It was only two years ago that we managed to persuade him that he could save money by purchasing Christmas presents on the internet and that it wouldn't inevitably lead to all his personal data being pilfered by Martians. I probably come from a long line of skeptics who said things like "the wheel, it will never catch on" and "if god had intended us to travel by horse he would have made us all centaurs".

Incidentally, I did actually have my identity stolen once. Someone cloned my bank card after an ill-advised shopping trip to the all night garage at the top of the road. It wasn't ill-advised because somebody cloned my card, it was just ill-advised full stop. If you're drunk enough to seriously consider eating a Ginsters pasty and nowhere else in town is open, that ought to be your signal to get some sleep rather than go on a spending spree in the least sanitary retail outlet west of Basra.

I only found out about the identity theft when someone started using my cloned card to thoughtfully withdraw £200 per day from an ATM in Rome. Initially I was flattered that, after all these years, I finally had an identity worth nicking. I wanted to write in to the college yearbook saying "that showed you, you fuckers". Then I realised that my bank card was having more fun than I was. How dare it? I'd never been to Rome and what's more I quite wanted to. Not that I could afford it now, because my identity had gone on holiday without me, the inconsiderate bastard. That realisation brought me back down to earth with a rather impoverished thud.

Anyway this is an extremely circuitous way of explaining that, having fought progress for months, I have finally embraced my destiny and joined Twitter. So if you ever wonder whether I have thoughts even more tiny and inconsequential than the ones I write here, the answer might well eventually wind up there. It makes this post particularly inappropriate, I suppose. But when I did that post at least three of you said "I'd follow you if you were on Twitter" so here's your big chance. The details are in the whizzy new gadget I've added to the sidebar or alternatively you can just click here.

Or you can leave me to jabber away to myself like an incontinent pensioner on public transport, that's fine too. After all, why change the habit of a lifetime?

My track of the week kind of picks itself given my anecdote about the Roman holiday - here is the effortlessly splendid yet totally bonkers Nellie McKay, one of my favourite singers, with the hyperactive Identity Theft.

Nellie McKay - Identity Theft

Right then: all that, along with yesterday’s detour took me away from announcing the winners of my regular feature rounding up my favourite writing from the blogosphere, That Was The Week That Blogged.


Here they are:

1. Dressing for dinner by Tooting Squared

“I rally a bit against organised fun. It makes me come out in a bit of a rash. I loathe New Year, I struggle with hen parties, I try my best not to have a birthday unless I can help it.”

I’m a massive fan of Tooting Squared’s blog and she did two posts last week that I particularly enjoyed. This one has the edge though, partly for a sensitive treatment of life as a latter-day Cinderella but mainly for the very funny pay-off at the end. Just lovely. And if you do wander over there, also have a look at her rules for the correct use of public transport (e.g. “Men. Knees together. There just isn't room.”) It's also more than slightly excellent.

2. my jar of marbles by A Beautiful Truth

“How do you get back to that place? I love him, obviously. And he loves me. We're the wonder twins, best friends, we complete each other in that cheesy movie way that no one thinks is real, but it is. It can be. Nothing is perfect, of course.”

I have liked Scarlethue’s blog for a long, long time and I love this post. Yes, I know I’m a softie and I do like blog posts about relationships, about marriages. But I especially like ones that don’t sugar the pill. Vapid posts about happiness, with dayglo pictures of mom, dad and the cutesy kids are not for me. And nor are pointless nebulous meditations without real people or ideas in them. Posts by interesting, intelligent people wondering how you stay happy once you get happy? That’s a different matter entirely, and this is an excellent example. Food for thought for all of us, happy or not, that happiness isn’t something to take lightly. I think what I appreciate most about this clever and thoughful piece is the fact that Scarlethue has lots of questions and no glib answers - for her, or anybody else.

3. Undercover Newsdesk by Barry Newsdesk

“That’s why I learned judo, at which I am a black belt, as you know, and not – as my mate Steve maintains – because watching Brian Jacks on Superstars gave me a stiffy. That’s just the kind of stupid shit Steve likes to say. And, as he well knows, I had been thinking about Jane Jarvis from school (she was the first girl to get boobs) while I was watching Superstars and Steve just happened to notice that I had a stiffy and that’s where that silly rumour began. Anyway, he told everyone at school, as if it wasn’t bad enough already, and I made it worse by saying it had nothing to do with Brian Jacks; I’d been thinking about Jane Jarvis’s new boobs. At which point her brother Ian beat me up. The humiliation continued, because Jane Jarvis let all the boys feel her boobs apart from me, and I asked really nicely. Even Ian Jarvis felt them – there was something wrong about that family. Like the Carpenters.”

I was at the blog party on Saturday and I was chatting to another - excellent - blogger and she mentioned how much she enjoyed TWTWTB (thanks, you know who you are, even if you never comment!).

"The one I really, really liked," she told me, “was that citizen journalist."

"Barry Newsdesk!" I said. "I know, I just think he’s magnificent. I have no idea why more people don’t read him."

There you go Barry, namedropped among the blognoscenti.

I know he’s won this two weeks on the trot and yes, I know this is the biggest quote I’ve ever copied out on TWTWTB. But I can’t say this enough - Barry Newsdesk is an utter genius, and this is one of the funniest blog posts I have ever read. Barry’s attempts to expose his mother’s gold-digging suitor Roger as a closet Nazi take a disastrous turn. It’s sheer brilliance.

Oh, and a boy in my class at school - Paul Dalton - got a stiffy in the shower after games when I was about 12. A couple of brutes beat the shit out of him, even though he was probably just accidentally thinking of Selina Scott and it was the last thing he ever wanted to happen. The poor bastard.

So there are this week’s very worthy winners. I hope you go and check them out. If you like them do drop them a comment and tell them I sent you, because it helps me feel like I’m helping out. And you know the drill by now - if you read something brilliant this week, or write something you’re proud of drop me a line and let me know (I am off to Prague at the weekend so TWTWTB will be slightly delayed and I’ll need all the help I can get.)

One other thing - running this every week can feel awfully lonesome. That's mainly because you never ever bloody win. So if you like my blog, help out my flagging yet gargantuan ego and tell a friend about it. Tell two.

Thanks.