No, not 9/11 you berk! I'm talking about my first ever re-post.
Sorry, I don't plan to make a habit of it but it feels appropriate on this of all days. This topical post dates from April when I had considerably less readers than I do now. So if you've read it before, hopefully it will make you feel like one of the select few who can say Oh, I remember that the first time. If you haven't - well, I just hope you don't storm out in disgust.
But come on, you can read all that florid God Bless America stuff in hundreds of other places in blogland and we all know you don't come here for that.
So, picture the scene. It’s September 2001. The world has been shaken by one of the worst terrorist atrocities of all time (didn’t kill anywhere near as many people as famine or genocide in unsung countries that nobody gives a monkeys about but let’s not start me on that). I watched along with millions of others as the horrendous images unfolded on every media source known to man. But life goes on and about a week later I was down the pub with my friend Ivor. Here’s the joke he told me:
Q: Why didn’t Superman stop the planes from flying into the Twin Towers?
A: Because he’s in a wheelchair.
See? It’s not really a 9/11 joke at all! It’s a joke about paraplegics. Which makes it much better, I think we can all agree on that. At the time (irony upon irony) I was working for the complaints department of a telecoms company making full use of my considerable powers of tact and diplomacy. Some of the time there I spent thinking I quit a job phoning sex lines for a living for THIS? (my adventures in the sex trade are covered in another blog post) but it wasn’t too bad.
So the next day at work I was itching to tell my hilarious and not remotely inappropriate new gag to the first person I laid eyes on. Here are some quick sketches of my team members. Can you sharp-eyed readers guess which one I told the joke to?
Mark. Mid 20s. Regular blokey guy, big fan of Southampton Football Club. Looking forward to buying his own flat. Good sense of humour.
Nick. Mid 20s. Regular blokey guy, big fan of socialism. Looking forward to getting married to his fiancée. Dry sarcastic sense of humour.
Justin. Mid 20s. Devout Christian and all round good egg. Looks like his surname could well be Baggins. Does a lot of charity work. Yes, that’s right, charity work. Fundraising, marathons, the whole shebang. For the disabled, as it happens. Lives with his girlfriend. She’s in a wheelchair. I wouldn’t rule out him having a sticker in his rear windscreen saying “I Heart Paraplegics”. Big fan of Ironside. No discernible sense of humour.
Do you get the picture yet? Of course it was Justin that I approached. How, given my unerring power to offend and complete inability to judge my audience, could it have been anyone but?
“Justin, I heard a great joke in the pub last night.”
“Go on then.”
“Why didn’t Superman stop the planes flying into the Twin Towers?”
Justin had a slightly apprehensive look at this point but that wasn’t going to stop me. Nothing, after all, ever did. But then I made out a shape over Justin’s shoulder. It was my colleague Mark and he appeared to be having an epileptic fit. But then, as I paid closer attention I could make out what was happening. He was alternating between miming cutting his throat and spinning the wheels of a wheelchair very very fast indeed. We’re talking Special Olympics world record fast. The penny began to drop as I worked it out: Mark had already heard the joke. Grimly, slowly, the realisation dawned on me of what I was about to say to lovely Christian flid fondling Justin.
“Go on, why didn’t Superman stop the planes flying into the Twin Towers?”
“Oh. Err… I can’t remember.”
I think I just about got away with it, though Justin’s general credulousness helped. In the end his relationship hit the skids (figurative rather than literal skids I should point out, though I suppose both could have been on the cards) and on the plus side whenever he pissed her off he’d just run up the stairs for a few hours until she had calmed down. So it was all okay and I escaped with my reputation for tact relatively unscathed – something I’ve now completely wanked up with this confession. C’est la vie.
I’ve always been tactless. As a three year old my mother took me on a bus where I accosted the exceptionally sizeable lady in front of me saying “You know why you’re fat don’t you? You eat too much.” That viewpoint is a lot more fashionable now than it was in the late 70s and my mother was lucky to escape a lynching on behalf of her vile child. Or, worse still, the woman could have just forced my mum’s head into her yeasty creases and forced her to inhale deeply. We were both fortunate to get home alive.
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50 comments:
holy mother of all that is evil.
that is the best damned 9*11 picture I've ever seen. Is it yours? Or did you get that from somewhere. I want to see more like that, in either case.
Refreshingly hilarious, sir. I'd go into why but it would make me seem callous and cold and you already seem to understand.
Bahahaha! Oh Jesus. That graphic is just perfect.
As was the Superman joke. I guess if it happens again we can use the same joke with a "He's dead" punchline?
More people should have this sort of 9/11 post. We all remember, there's no point in faux sentamentality and anxious pauses. It was a terrible day. We learned something from it. Now it's 8 years later and we're busy doing other things. Because life goes on.
Man, the picture is killing me. The glee on those little planes' faces. So, so wrong.
I saw the picture on my sidebar before I came over to read this and I thought, "Oh shit."
That was absolutely hilarious.
I think most children around that age are tactless. My four year old says things to strangers that make me cringe.
Your story reminded me of the flak my friend caught for a picture she posted. In it she's leaning back in a chair and she has an alarming amount of clear plastic drinking straws all connected to each other going from her nose, mouth, around her throat, going down and disappearing out of sight. She was impersonating Christopher Reeve.
It’s one of the most disturbingly hilarious things I’ve ever seen.
And to be clear, you are the guy who got offended when I used the phrase "crazy Brits" jokingly?
I always enjoy inappropriate humor, so like everyone else, I laughed at the graphic and the story. But it's the "yeasty creases" reference for which I would really like to commend you. Nice!
That is just so wrong on so many different levels...but I laughed.
I am one of the select few who remembers this the first time round...
A dedicated follower of your blog!
No idea where I was when Prescott punched that bloke or Clinton revealed the truth about his Taddy Yack Fest, but I can't forget 9/11. It was bizarrely singular, like Princess Di's funeral — only without Princess Di and the horses.
Tact? What's that? In my effort to try to make people THINK today by way of several comments left, I realise, in retrospect, how futile that notion was and that I probably only horrified them instead, that and made them want to lynch me.
Sorry, but I find this post disappointingly offensive. You can call me thin skinned if you must. I agree that maybe it's time to move on, if you can, but to make light of an event that resulted in so many deaths. . .I just think you've crossed the line on this one.
I read this, left a comment of relative indifference, went about my day but then I found myself continually biting my tongue. Why should I bite mine when you have let yours run wild?
MLS, this is the first post I've read on a blog that left me disappointed in its author. I agree moving on is perfectly acceptable - as evidenced by the loads of people who posted unrelated topics - but to mock a tragedy, of any magnitude, lacks class, compassion, and humor. Would you laugh at genocide or famine? If so, I question your humor.
I don't write this to start an argument. I can see we would never come to an understanding. Just to shed the load of disappointment your blog left me carrying about today.
For obvious reasons, I won't be back by this post again, so if you feel the need to reply, send me an email. Best wishes.
You posted the picture! Awesome. Now, is that little devil on shoulder nagging you "Go on MLS post a link to 'Elftor Reads Fanmail'"? You know you want to.
I think your picture is lovely.
In incredily bad taste, of course, but lovely. It's the artistic equivalent of farting loudly and intentionally during a war memorial service. In that silent moment just before the Last Post.
I think it's time for bad taste. I mean we have to move on sometime and no one's laughing at tragedy. It is what it is and now we should be free to laugh if we feel like it.
You know my experience on 9/11 and honestly, if I've seen what I've seen and can still be lighthearted about it, no one else has any excuse to get offended. We will never forget it and the terror of that day, but really. It was eight years ago. Get on with living.
Hahaha, this is freaking hilarious!
Oh, I remember that the first time. And it's just as good the second time through.
Haha, hilarious post!! And I LOVE the picture!!
Whether you liked this or didn’t thank you for taking the time to comment. It didn’t attract this much interest last time I posted it. Can’t imagine why. Thanks too to God for commenting for the first time.
That sentence looks odd. I find myself wanting to say So God, whose side were you on?
Lora – Glad you liked the picture. I got it from my splendid friend Ivor. And I’m very happy that you stuck it on your excellent post about 9/11 and linked back to me.
Gwen – Join the club. I am apparently callous and cold though I feel in excellent company here.
VA – I agree. I planned to post this a few weeks back and none of the posts I have read about it today have changed my mind. Worse things happen all over the planet every day and go completely unnoticed. It happens in the heart of the world’s wealthiest nation and the response is completely different and disproportionate. I love America. I love Americans. But the US response to 9/11 has made the world a dangerous place and was completely counterproductive. And I’m afraid I haven’t personally enjoyed most (not all, most) of the 9/11 navel gazing in the blogosphere. Maybe you liked my post, maybe you hated it, but at least somebody is saying it. That kind of freedom of expression is supposed to be one of the things we are “fighting” for.
OWO – The picture is the best thing about this post and everyone keeps reminding me of that. Glad you liked it.
Hunter – Thanks! I admire your ability to look at the small details. It’s what makes your writing such a pleasure too.
PoliticsChick – Thanks! I never claimed not to be wrong on a number of levels.
Tory – I’m a big fan of yours too, as you know.
Whirlochre – Don’t start me on Princess Di’s funeral or I can alienate my British readers too.
Ellen – I have deliberately not commented on a number of 9/11 blog posts because I don’t want to be inflammatory on other people’s blogs. But I respect differing opinions on mine.
Eva – No need to apologise. You are free to be offended and I respect you for saying so. But I find your position confusing. I openly admitted that it was a horrendous incident. I simply expressed some doubt about whether it deserves the disproportionate attention it gets in the world press. Do people remember the Boxing Day tsunami every year? Of course not. The main victim of the story I told is me, the story is clearly about my offensive tactlessness – not about 9/11, about people who are confined to a wheelchair. I’m afraid I make no apology for anything I have said though I really do hugely respect you for speaking up. I hope you carry on reading, and I have to say my blog makes it pretty clear that I am more than capable of being this offensive. You may have found some of my offensive posts amusing in the past, maybe you haven’t. But we all pick and choose every day. It’s okay to laugh about my smelly housemate, for instance, but not about me offending someone who dates a paraplegic. Or is it just the picture you don’t like? Because I think that’s the only thing that looks like it’s “making light” of 9/11.
OSG – A lot of what I have said above probably applies to your comment too. I think you are one of the two people who has unfollowed my blog based on this post. I don’t feel I was mocking a tragedy, just putting it in perspective. But to be honest, if I wanted to mock it that would be my right as it would be your right (and is) to take offence and go elsewhere. You clearly aren’t interested in a debate on this – which is again your right – so I would simply say I respect your right to be offended. You can say things I don’t like and that’s fine. That’s the principle we are supposed to be so proud of in the “civilised” world. Just like it’s okay to criticise the war on terror or the disproportionate attention and response to 9/11 without being a craven traitor of some description.
Ally – I think your comment is lovely.
VA – In two years time we will have a 911 second silence and magazine articles saying “ten years on” and “we must never forget” and nobody will be talking about moving on either. My favourite bad taste fact about 9/11 – my friend Sarah, a keen indie fan, was due to go see a gig that night and it was cancelled because of the incident. The support act was called Explosions In The Sky. The headliner? And You Shall Know Us By The Trail Of Dead.
God – Which side are you actually on?
Harmony – Thanks! I never knew a simple repost would cause such a debate (he said, more than slightly ingenuously).
Ida – You commented! I’m so pleased. I absolutely adore your blog and your fantastic photos (I wish I knew how you made things look so damned beautiful). Thanks for liking the post.
Last of all, a general point. I absolutely love the people who come here, read this and comment. I was having a long conversation on Thursday night with a fellow blogger about honesty and bravery in blogs and I would dislike myself if I didn't feel like I could say things people might not like in my blog.
So there you go, I deliberately didn't do a serious post about 9/11. But I hope people might think I've tried to make some serious points in the comments.
This is so wrong on so many levels. My aunty uncles Cousins daughters sons postmans dog was probably in the towers that day. RIP hobo.
Well...
I still think you rock.
Last night while at my sister's house it dawned on us that 9/11 was the following day. We cringed at the thought of having to relive (yet again) a horror that took place 8 years ago, in the same manner that we would cringe at the sound of Christmas music playing in October. While I believe “moving on” is a personal choice and no one should feel that they must, those who have should not be vilified.
On this day I always make a point to play Lee Greenwood's "Proud to be an American" while jerking off to a picture of Ann Coulter. Then I get back to work to ensure that the terrorists will never win.
I would forgive anything for "yeasty creases" alone.
I think it was the sheer drama of the attacks that most confounded us. If you'd tried to include it as a plot for a film it ouwld've seemed too outrageous.
I must confess though, to hainvg expressed a similar degree of disbelief about the response to the 11/9 attacks, in the same way I watched the crowds at Princess Di's funeral with slack jawed amazement.
Did they all know her?
Here I am at the tale end again, missing all the exciting exchanges. Um, I confess that my abiding thought was that I didn't get the joke, being unsure about why Superman would be in a wheelchair. There, I've admitted that I'm a dork. I understood what you were aiming for and it has little to do with 9/11, so I wonder if people would have been similarly exercised over a joke about the Admiral Duncan nail bomb.
I HAD read this one before! But I think it was from sifting through your underwear drawer rather than being one of your classic readers.
Whichever.
I love your lack of tact.
That cartoon. Beyond.
Humour - quite often in bad taste - is often the first resort of people after a traumatic incident and there is nothing wrong with that. It is part of the healing process.
I agree that there is a disproportianate amount of focus on the events of 9/11 compared to other events around the world. I also agree that you should not censor yourself and the post is clearly about your lack of tact.
However, all that said, whilst it was not your intention I also found this leaving a bad taste in my mouth. It's like turning up at a funeral and farting in the faces of the nearest and dearest of the departed. Any other time it might be funny but on today of all days it's a little bit disrespectful.
mysterg - Your funeral analogy only really works if you lost loved ones in that incident. If you did I am genuinely sorry for your loss. Otherwise, if you want to vicariously appropriate the collective grief of the western world for an incident 8 years ago you go right ahead, but I am not phony enough to offer my condolences.
I'm not vicariously appropriating collective grief. And I wasn't personally or directly affected by World War One but that doesn't mean I don't maintain a silence on rememberance day - not just because society dictates that we should but because I genuinely believe it is something that should be remembered and mourned over. I don't see that as being phony or appropriating grief or jumping on some bandwagon. It's simply about respect.
I'm lucky that I wasn't personally affected. However some of your readers may not be so lucky. Hence the funeral analogy and the bad taste in my mouth for them.
mysterg – I suppose we could argue this round in circles all day couldn’t we. You respect my right to say what I like, I respect your right to be offended. But saying what I think on my blog is a bit different from going to all the 9/11 posts of which I’m not fond spouting my views in the comments (which I deliberately didn't do), or heckling a 2 minute silence, or farting in a memorial ceremony. I don't recall anyone denoting 9/11 a national day of slavish stony-faced weeping and wailing and if they did I certainly wasn't included. Nor, from the generally positive reaction, have most of the people who commented here. If I have readers who don’t like what I’ve said they are welcome to say so, or leave and not come back – and some of them have. That’s their choice.
On that, subject, interestingly, One Sassy Girl left me a couple of comments before leaving and unfollowing. I responded – I thought – as temperately as I could. But I’m not sure why I bothered. She has commented on another blog (which did a truly lumpen and excruciating 9/11 post) saying:
”Can you believe I read a post by some idiot who made fun of 9/11? Instantly deleted from my reader. I can't imagine any amount of time can pass that would make a tragedy be acceptable fodder for humor. Luckily, we have classy bloggers like you to pay a proper tribute and maintain decorum. Well done.”
All that one on of the most risible blogs I’ve ever seen. Charming! Not sure how you "instantly delete" someone when actually you took three hours to mull on their post before saying how disgusted you were. Very odd.
On the other comments:
Leah – Well, Leah made a perfectly thoughtful and sensible comment which was critical of me. She chose to delete it and unfollow my blog and for what it’s worth I think that was a pity.
Mikey – I’m sorry to hear of your loss in the Twin Bow-Wows.
OWO – Cheers! The feeling is mutual.
Harmony – I agree! And what about all the people whose birthdays are on 9/11? Must they always be blighted by all this sanctimony? One of my friends’ birthdays is on 9/11. Ironically, on a day when we must never forget, I did (sorry Sarah).
Jay – Welcome to the blog and thanks for commenting! It’s big of you to hold those views and still drop by.
The Jules – I agree. There is something very disturbing about the way we get caught up in acts of mass hysteria and make them all about us and what we feel we’ve lost because perhaps we’re too repressed to admit the rest of the time that we’re all wounded and unhappy in some way.
MdF – Exactly.
Kristine – Please don’t tell everyone about that thing in my underwear drawer. You know. That one.
I didn't really think that post was about 11/9 (or was it in November and I wasn't paying attention?), more about your bad superman joke. I remember it from the first time around but I still find it funny.
Those little planes are very cute, though.
Yeasty creases. If anything were to prompt me to de-lard myself, they would.
And coincidentally, have been to a music festival this weekend where I saw Explosions in the Sky. My word they were loud.
I read it before when in your archives, but wasn't "around" for the first entry.
I don't know how to react to it - on one had I love dry and ironic humor, so I can see the humor in it. On the other hand, being a New Yorker (but not a New York City person - there is a difference Europe!) I'm a little bothered by it. But it's a joke, so I can enjoy it for that. I just won't tell anyone.
Baglady - Yes, it was about my lack of tact. Then and now.
livesbythewoods - Thanks for commenting! I can imagine they would be loud. I saw a band called Lightning Bolt once who were also as loud as their name would suggest. Loud but shite.
Big-H - No problem, it'll be our secret. And I understand the distinction between NYC and New York State.
For what it's worth (and that's not much because I'm not a gabillionaire so there's no need to kiss my ass), I added you to my reader because of this post. I was in NYC on 9/11, I was downtown on 9/11, I was running with the rest of the out of our minds with fear crowds on 9/11, but I CANNOT stomach another "Never forget," waving the flag, pause for a moment post. Not because it's a laughing matter and we should forget about it but because people are hypocrites and only conveniently remember this day starting in August. And other reasons. But a post that makes me laugh on 9/11? That pokes fun at the hypocrisy? Sweet.
Thanks Dingo - good of you to stop by and offer some moral support. I hope you drop in again.
'flid fondling Justin'
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
fabulous post ...
veeeeeery interesting. Move on, America. Otherwise just about every day streets should be blocked by cultural representatives of various countries who have all been "victims of the war on terror".
I'm glad that you post what you think. I think many people start blogs intending to post what they think, but then reconsider after they begin to make friends here and start to worry about alienating them. Kudos for maintaining your position.
I think Jules had it right when she suggested that the sheer audaciousness and drama of the event are what make people cling to it. It's easy to overlook tragedies that unfold over days, weeks and years in remote parts of the world. It's not an intellectual choice, it's a visceral reaction.
I agree completely with the sentiments of your post, but I must admit the picture gave me pause. Not in its philosophy, but in the way it hit me. I wouldn't have posted it, but if I am true to what I believe to be my sense of humor and fair play, I cannot call it inappropriate.
Molly - Thanks! Flid is one of those words that's long due a comeback in my book.
omchelsea - Yes, I know what you mean. The world is full of tragedies. Much like the way the media only concentrates on kids that go missing if they fit a convenient media template.
words x3 - I always appreciate your comments. This one is thoughtful and balanced and I respect you for that. I can even overlook the inadvertent sex change you have given to poor Jules.
Still makes me laugh.
MrLS,
Blimey!
I missed this post the first and second time around.
I clearly see that you're the protagonist in this self-mocking post where your lack of sensitivities to people and events (illnesses, disease, calamities) lead you into embarrassing situations where you either escape unwittingly or not. And you take full accountability for that. It's your opinion and it's your blog from whence to espouse so there's no reason why anyone should try to convince you otherwise. It's an honest story.
Knowing what I do about the British press and fleshlights, nothing surprises me anymore.
I just wish to add a few things for update.
As we know, Superman has since died, but sadly so has his wife, leaving their children without both parents. RIP.
And though the families of the 9-11 victims do carry on their own lives as much as any other victim of any other tragedy could possibly do on any day, that day will always be remembered by those of us whose hearts ached on that day.
Not everyone's did, apparently.
When Princess Di died, my heart ached, too, and I stayed awake all night (time difference 8 hours) sobbing watching her funeral on TV, her procession with her boys walking behind the carriage. Our boys are similar in age and it really got to me.
Somehow I ached for that situation and wouldn't think of mocking it with a cartoon of a silly cartoon of a crashed car in a tunnel.
I think that any portrayal of the Twin Towers falling as a cartoon is in bad taste.
Cute planes? Sorry.
That image will never be cute and funny to mock. I don't know what you were thinking?
But I did "get" your story and still appreciate you as a writer and all of that. Just not on board with you on this one (as far as the 9-11 stuff and cartoon).
(/Blimey!) :-/
Well, it took me a couple of seconds to get the superman joke. Otherwise, it tells me a lot about you and the comments tell me a lot about the other people who follow your blog.
The great thing about this country is that we have freedom of speech. You always use that to the full and for that I commend you. You don't even let common sense get in the way of posting which makes me think you are either brave or stupid and given the quality of your writing I know it isn't the latter.
Still not sure I actually like the post though.
Yep, couldn't get through it and won't get through it.
Kizzia - I don't think it's one of my best by a long way. Really all it tells you is about the sort of person I was two years ago and the sort of readers I had around two years ago. Most of the people who commented no longer read my writing.
Hillary - And yet you still commented. Interesting.
I have too admitt from the way you built it up I was expecting something extremely offensive. I didn't read your blog all those years ago, only the past 8 months or so. I get the blog is about your tact or lack of it, and if it had been posted on any other date I think it wouldn't have had the reaction it did. I don't get offended easily, I have a very dark sense of humour myself, the picture though I didn't like, just me the rest of it I enjoyed.
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