Fascinating Fact Friday failure

Regular readers will know that every morning at work at half eleven we slope to the kitchen so Gemma can take some anti-allergy drugs as part of a clinical trial she is doing (see here). She has to hold the drops of medication under her tongue for 30 seconds before swallowing it and we all try to make her laugh so much that she spits it out. And we almost managed it yesterday morning when Mandy started talking about the tranny.

Yes, we have a tranny in our office. I know what you’re thinking – surely I’m making it up. So far I’ve told you that my office has cleaners making out in the “Fuck Bunker”, a shiny silver funbus manned with the most demented drivers since the truck in “Duel” and a big black sex toy in my top drawer which has been customised into a makeshift keyring, and you’ve taken me at my word. But an office tranny? It may seem like a step too far but I assure you it’s true. I can’t remember when we first noticed that someone in the office was going through a transformation. Initially it just seemed like a guy in the office who was growing his hair long. Then came the make up. But guyliner is a growing phenomenon, right? It surely didn’t mean anything. But then the tailoring got more, well, feminine. Then there was the clincher. One Monday he (he? she?) came into work and there was something new about him/her, namely a quite visible pair of norks.

Phil was the first to notice them, unsurprisingly. I think he felt aroused yet disgusted with himself (so nothing new there). They seemed such a permanent fixture - not that there is such a thing as temporary breasts mind you - that we all started wondering if we were seeing things or why we hadn’t noticed them before. Breasts aren’t meant to come out of nowhere – well, not since Sally in “Home and Away” anyway. Aside from this, the growing rate of change raised all sorts of interesting questions – should he/she use the gents or the ladies loo? Should we hold the door open for him/her? I can't remember the tranny's name but I think he/she likes to be known as Sue - at what point does this happen?

Anyway, we were talking about the tranny with Mandy in the kitchen as Gemma was taking her drugs. Mandy was unimpressed that the tranny had got his/her legs out in the office today and that they were better than hers. And then she told us the story about her friend Abi. It turns out that one day the tranny came into the office and shortly after Abi came in wearing a virtually identical outfit. Abi is about six feet tall and was a bit concerned by the similarity.

“I don’t look like that, do I?” she asked Mandy, looking for some reassurance that she didn’t resemble a transsexual.

“No,” said Mandy, “you’ve got a fringe.”

Gemma went bright purple and shook uncontrollably and for a second I thought we were finally going to see her spit out the drugs. But then she got it under control.

It was not to be a day for triumphs, even if it was my birthday. The other feature of Fridays at work is “Fascinating Fact Friday”. Every Friday Gemma and I unearth a fascinating fact and we put them to Iain who judges, without knowing whose fact is whose, which is the most fascinating. It’s not going well. I was 2-1 down in the series going into Friday’s head to head and needed something spectacular. Did you know that an ejaculation takes place at 28 miles per hour? Fascinating, isn’t it?

Unfortunately that was Gemma’s fact. My fact was a really enthralling one about the QWERTY keyboard. Even now I’m not quite sure what I was thinking. Of course the speed that men fling jizz onto their stomachs is far more gripping. It's like comparing a Jackie Collins novel with Fly Fishing by J.R. Hartley. And what was more galling is that Gemma discovered said fascinating fact in “More” magazine the night before. I did suggest we prove it using the oldest guy in the office, a tape measure, a stop watch and some jazz mags but nobody seemed to like that idea.

Clearly nobody had told the powers that be that it was my birthday.